1. My most significant ghost
The air shifted when I caught sight of him. It seemed almost impossible that my feet would have traced the same steps he took to be right where he was - but there he stood anyway. My breath caught in my throat and I felt an instant panic rise through my chest. He turned around and we locked eyes for a second, I turned around and fought the urge to bolt down the stairs.
--
We met a long time ago, I once believed he was my last "I love you" that I'll ever say for the first time to anyone. Or rather, in the context of us, the only person I'll ever call "Sayang" unironically.
--
He left quickly, my friends told me shortly after that. I suppose he recognized me too, after all these years. I felt out of balance for the rest of the day. I couldn't place the feeling, I was looking for an object that had no description, a flavor I had never tasted, a sound that didn't exist.
I remained animated and social for the rest of the day. I laughed, talked and ate - all I craved for was silence.
--
2. My love
When our friend said goodnight and left our car, I got what I wanted. As we drove quietly up to our parking lot, my boyfriend asked who did I text. No context needed, he knows me pretty well. I replied that I texted my best friend, of course. I did. I turned around and pulled my phone out with shaking hands and had reached out for my person.
As we walked to the elevator, he fits me under his shoulder and gives me a kiss on top of my head. He talks to me and makes me laugh. I look at him and I put an arm around his waist, drawing him in closer. I go to sleep with ease, my eyes falling shut to the sound of his steady breaths, as constant as he is.
--
3. My cats
When we got home earlier, they greet us as per usual. They're cats, they're fuzzy and do not understand the nuances of past relationships, past loves and complex human emotions. We patted them and they purr, life is simple.
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4. My person
We talk the next day and I iron out my crumpled thoughts. I figure it out. That is why you need a person. I think I have the best one.
--
5. Me
When I first saw him sitting on the little stone bench, taking pictures with his wife, with all my heart I wanted to run up to him and tell him that I'm so happy he's found the love of his life - she's beautiful and you both look radiant.
"I hope this was a better life for you."
But I know, I think he knows it too. We're not there, we'll never be there and that's what crushed me, the realization that we're essentially strangers once more. I can know everything about him and nothing at all in the exact same moment. He was once everything and now he doesn't exist. His eyes used to crinkle at the edges and sleepily, lovingly look at me, a lifetime ago - now all I can see is a cold, hostile glance, seared across my remaining memories which tumble and crash all around me.
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6. Him
This is where it ends because in my life - there is no him. This is the part where I pack up my remaining memories of him and gently place them back on the shelf. Not to be discarded, desecrated or destroyed, but rather to just remain because once, it meant something to me and shaped this life of mine.
There is no him, and that's perfectly all right because once, long ago, there used to be an us.
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